Saturday, October 31, 2009

Mourning

I had heard that this time would come, but as we often do when faced with the painful and unpleasant, I never really believed it would happen. The mother I knew is gone. The woman who was intelligent, quick witted, and open minded is no more.

She has been replaced by a woman who says bigoted outrageous things, gets angry if she's contradicted, and often acts like a spoiled child.

My visit did not go well.

I was not prepared for the changes that have occurred in my mom since I last visited in December. I was impatient and angry with her. I could not label it "the illness" when she behaved badly but instead reacted as if she were unimpaired. I tried to reason with her. I tried to shame her into acting better. I got angry with her. And it's not her fault.

Yesterday I had tea with a friend. I related to her my various shortcomings in dealing with my mom. She asked me if perhaps I was sublimating my sadness into anger. The tears welled in my eyes, and I knew she was right.