Moral Courage

Last fall my uncle and my mom's minister thought she was dying. (See Financial Planning Part 1.) She had become very weak and could barely walk. This was approximately two weeks after I had visited last. Of course, I returned to her home as soon as I could, driving the 950 miles there with my son in the back seat.

When I got there I saw that the situation was not as dire as they had thought, but still it seemed that it was time to talk to my mom about making some changes to her living situation. Her doctor agreed to play the bad guy and talk to my mom about the Alzheimer's and the need to stop living alone.

I asked my uncle to go with us to the doctor, but he said he couldn't.

We got to the clinic on time and had to wait about 45 minutes. It turned out that it was Dr. M's last day there. When she finally met with us, my mom would not listen to what she had to say. Mom constantly interrupted Dr. M and could not follow the logical arguments that she laid out. I now realize that she is simply unable to understand her condition, and it makes her very angry to be told anything is wrong when she's sure that she is fine. I imagine that few Alzheimer's patients can follow a logical argument even in the early stages of the disease.

Since the doctor was unsuccessful in persuading my mother that she needed to stop living alone, I decided that the next step would be to have a family conference. Perhaps if those who loved her the most and who she loved the most gathered together to express their concern over her safety she would listen. I asked my two "sisters" (my mom's deceased boyfriend's daughters), my uncle, and my mom's minister to attend. Big sis readily agreed, and the other sister said she would try to make it after work. I then called the minister, Rev. L. He said he would have to check with his wife to see if they had plans for that evening, but he didn't sound like he had much enthusiasm for the plan.

At this time I'm feeling pretty desperate. I'm thinking, "I live so far away. What can I do to keep my mom safe?"

Next I drove over to my uncle's house to talk to him about the meeting.

While I was there my uncle's cell phone rang. He answered and said, "Hello, Minister." He talked a few seconds and then walked away from where I was standing and continued talking. When he came back he handed me the phone. The minister said he couldn't make it to the meeting.

My uncle didn't want to be part of a family meeting either. He didn't want my mom to get mad at him. He said that after I left and went back home he would still have to live with her. Even though what that actually meant was that he would still have to see her the one afternoon every week or so when they have dinner together.

It was clear to me that when my uncle walked away from me while on the phone, he and the minister had talked it over and decided not to participate. I felt very angry at them at the time and thought they lacked the courage to do what's right even when it's difficult. My uncle I can forgive; after all, he's family. But not the minister.

Now, I realize that a family meeting probably wouldn't have gone any better than the meeting with the doctor. At the time, however, I was desperate. I had just made a 950 mile trip doing all the driving, and I was terribly worried about what would happen when I left. It seemed imperative to get my mom into assisted living or to get her to move to my town.

Luckily a similar situation has not occurred in the last eleven months. But I know now that my uncle and the minister will not be much help to me when difficulties arise in the future. My god, they thought she was dying, but they didn't even take her to the hospital or call a doctor! They called me, 950 miles away, to take care of it.