Sunday, June 15, 2008

New World

So, one day you wake up and find it's a whole new world. After the worst visit ever in December, I had one of the best visits ever in May. The visit in December was unmitigated hell. Mom treated me with contempt and hostility. She seemed to be trying to hurt my feelings intentionally, if that is even possible in one with dementia. Everything came back to the money. In addition to the usual accusations, she added a new one: I had spent all her money. Every day I was there, sometimes several times a day, I had to answer these charges.

Then something happened. In February she said that I had changed, and I was like the person I used to be. I asked her what she meant, and she talked about how I had taken her money and spent it, but that was all forgiven now because I've changed. I told her I hadn't spent her money, that it's safe in the bank, all the things I usually say. But it didn't seem to matter. Mom seemed convinced - like I had been a bad girl and now I was good again.

She no longer mentioned the money every time we talked on the phone. By the time I went to visit in May, it was like I was living in a different reality with my mom. She was sweet and loving to me. After I showed her a bank statement, she broke down and cried and asked me to forgive her.

Everyone told me it would get easier, but it was hard to believe when I was going through the worst of it.

The downside is that she's better with me, but she's worse in general. There are all kinds of little signs:

* More problems with language, although most people wouldn't notice because she's still fairly adept verbally.
* Less care in her appearance - she's almost completely stopped wearing makeup and tends to wear the same outfits over and over. Here too most people wouldn't notice because she's clean and well-dressed.
* A coarsening of her public behavior. After lunch one day she put not only her leftovers in a box but also mine and all the chips and salsa that were on the table. At this same lunch she told the Latino waiter a story about how she got sick one time from eating chili in Tijuana, a story that included diarrhea and chili made from cats.
* Continued problems taking her meds even though the pharmacy delivers a bubble pack once a week to help cut down on confusion.
* Odd changes in attitude toward people. For no apparent reason she's decided she no longer likes her doctor.

I'm so relieved that she's no longer angry at me. We talk on the phone every day, and she's always very sweet to me. But I'm sad that this improvement in our relationship has come about through a worsening of her condition.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

By the time you figure it out, it's too late

Dealing with someone with dementia is like raising a child. By the time you get it somewhat figured out, it's too late. With children, they're grown; with the demented they're gone.