What I have is a situation where my mother refuses to or is unable to understand that there is anything at all wrong. She often asserts quite forcefully that "There's nothing wrong with my memory! You think I'm crazy, but I've got all my faculties!" Because there's nothing at all wrong with her, she doesn't need any kind of help. Not only that, but there’s no need to plan for the future. “I’ll handle it then,” she says.
Anything I do for her I do surreptitiously. Sometimes I have to tell outright lies. And not just little white ones but big black ones too. I hate to lie. My mother and I have always been honest, painfully honest, with one another, and now I lie to her all the time. We had the kind of relationship where we would tell each other things no one else would be willing to say. I question the appropriateness of that kind of "honesty" now, but I always knew that I could tell her pretty uncomfortable stuff and she would at least respect that I was telling her the truth.
I've tried to confront her about her denial. (And I have to ask myself if it is indeed denial or if it is simply that she can't understand her situation because of the disease's effect.) I've prefaced a conversation about her diagnosis with, "Mom, you know we've always been honest with each other." And then watched as she's exploded in a temper tantrum. The term they use in the dementia books is catastrophic reaction.
Her denial harms her. It keeps her from getting help in her home because she thinks she can keep up with her housework and her garden Just fine, thank you. Even though she sometimes forgets how to operate her vacuum cleaner. It prevents her from thinking about the future and what she will do when she no longer can live alone.
In lying to my mom I'm breaking a lifetime habit, a compulsion even. I have to admit that the lying has become a bit easier over the months, but I still feel as if I’m losing a bit of my soul (metaphorically speaking) each time I do it.
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Alzheimer's Disease and the long-distance caregiver
About 950 Miles Away
I created this blog so that I would have a place to write about my experiences as the long-distance caregiver for my mother who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. So that I can write freely and honestly, without bringing embarrassment on my mother or my extended family, I decided to blog anonymously.
My mom died in March 2011.
Recommended Reading
- The 36-Hour Day: A Family Guide to Caring for Persons with Alzheimer's Disease, Related Dementing Illnesses, and Memory Loss in Later Life
- Learning to Speak Alzheimer's: A Groundbreaking Approach for Everyone Dealing with the Disease
- A Dignified Life: The Best Friends Approach to Alzheimer's Care, A Guide for Family Caregivers
2 comments:
Just found your blog today. My mom is in the early stages of dementia/Alzheimer's (MCI). Man, oh man, I completely understand the need for telling less than the truth to my mother at times. I try not to think of it as lying--often I consider it a kindness. Sometimes the "truth" is just more harmful, and I try my best to make things easier and less upsetting. These "less than truths" don't hurt anyone. But I can't say it doesn't nag at my conscience occasionally, because in the past I would definitely have considered them "lies" or omissions. My mother's often very concerned and apologetic when I take part of the day from work to attend a doctor's appointment with her--so I lie and tell her I had the day off anyway. What's the harm? And it makes her feel better and less of a burden.
My mother, too, doesn't acknowledge she's got a memory problem. I've puzzled over it and wondered if it's denial or if she just doesn't remember. She's not hostile about it, just puzzled and upset mostly at herself that she can't seem to remember like she used to and everything is just harder. She's got it stuck in her head that it must be just a "low serotonin level" (which she's incidentally never had), but it's a palatable explanation to her and one she can wrap her head around. Plaques and tangles? Not so much.
Go easy on yourself with the "lying" issue. When we were taught as children to avoid lying at any cost, I don't think the current situation was ever envisioned. Take good care.
Thanks for your comment, Sue. It sounds like you are making the right choices when it comes to stretching the truth in order to make your mother feel better about herself and the things that you are doing for her.
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